I took the family out to Livermore today to take some measurements at the yoga studio and check out the construction process. It’s humming right along and as Mary Poppins would say, “It’s practically perfect in every way.” It’s feeling very zen, but it just needs one thing….
A little yoga.
Do you think I could get the construction crew to join in? I’m afraid I’ll get banned from the site! It’s hard to believe, but I think we’re going to make our goal of a mid-May opening date.
The other day, I was trying to remember what life was like for me in college. I was sad, thinking about how I viewed the world back then and how it kept me in such a state of dissatisfaction and sadness. Once I noticed the sadness, it just melted away and I started laughing hysterically as the image of “Debbie Downer” came into my mind’s eye. Rachel Dratch cracks me up! (click here to see.) Now I so dream of writing a Debbie Downer sketch for SNL where she goes to a yoga class and freaks out over the dirty mats and crazy poses, but can’t get enough of corpse position at the end of class.
Do you have any Debbies in your life? Be nice to them… they just might be the old me reincarnated – and it’s no fun to be her. Unless of course, you’re Rachel Dratch.
On a hilarious follow up from last nights post:
Drew and I were singing again this morning. I never realized before how much we actually sing, or how badly we do! Anyway, this morning Drew says, “NOOOOO. Not that one. Little bean!” I went through a whole list of songs that she rejected with disgust. “No. Little bean.” She proceeded to sing a pretty accurate rendition of the Let it Be chorus with those illusive words “little bean, little bean, little bean oh little bean. Whisper words of wisdom… little bean….oh!!!” Feel free to join in, and by the way – it’s way more fun to go for that high last high note – especially if you can’t find it.
I’ve been fascinated with Eckhart Tolle ever since I read The Power of Now, years ago. The time I first read it, I would read and re-read passages, trying so hard to understand. I somehow knew that book would help me, and it did – but it wasn’t at all easy for me to grasp what he was talking about. Fast forward six years and a lot of studying and meditation later. This time around, reading A New Earth, and listening to recordings of Tolle’s speeches, it’s a joy. This book pulls together many of the thoughts I’ve had floating randomly around in my mind, as well as many of the concepts I’ve picked up over the years in my eclectic studies.
Lately, I look forward to Tuesdays. I get online in the morning and load my i-pod with the Oprah/Tolle webcast from the night before and enjoy my daily work as a chauffeur, listening as I drive. Last night, he made a comment that struck me as both comforting and true. A mother asked him how she could help her son and raise him to be a conscious human being. Eckhart spoke to her about how simply staying present with herself was the most effective thing she could do for her son. He would learn from the energetic connection she maintained with him as he struggled in life.
Here’s the part that really touched me. He said, (paraphrasing) “If you use these opportunities with your son to cue into your own state of consciousness, you will be far better off than having spent years in a monastery studying meditation.”
This, I’ve always thought to be true. It doesn’t sound nearly as enticing or as dedicated to simply shift awareness as it does to forsake worldly things, don the orange robe and wander off in sanyasi bliss. I have to admit, every once in a while it’s all I can do not to hop on a plane to India and pull an Elizabeth Gilbert – living in an ashram, or escaping off to find a quiet cave of sorts for myself to really be able to meditate without the interruption of tiny footsteps during my morning meditation. But when we really pay attention, we find that life provides us with exactly what we need for our own evolution. Every little tantrum, interruption and pause to wait for little legs is like a little bell ringing to remind us as parents to wake up. Every little annoying comment from a co-worker, every person in front of you who’s taking forever to complete a transaction or the car on the freeway that’s driving way too slow. Whatever is right in front of us is our “way in”, our best tool to a deeper connection to ourselves and our universe.
I’ve been singing Beatles songs to Drew at night, she loves them. Somehow I manage to channel the mystical joy of John and Paul even though I truly can’t carry a tune. By night-time we are so tired, but I try to really soak up the cuddles and her sweet voice singing “let it be”. So today at the beach, I had one of those magical moments, realizing how that connection had really soaked in with her. I was spying on her through my camera lens as she piled sand up over her feet making herself a pair of sand roller skates. She caught my eye through the lens and lingered there as if we were two old souls connecting. She leaned into the camera spontaneously and lilted, “All you need is love….”
The mystical and the mundane = a beautiful new earth.
I’m fascinated by the two S’s, Satya and Santosh – truthfulness and contentment, and the interesting connection they have with each other.
My daughter’s middle name is Santosha because I figured, if you can give a person one thing, wouldn’t it be contentment? (my husband says he wished I’d named all the kids Santosha because she proved to be such an amazingly contented baby) When I am most present, feeling most like myself, that’s what I’ve got – joy and contentment. If you were to take on the niyamas: purity, contentment, austerity, scriptural study and surrender to the universe, like a list of chores it would be ridiculous. It may be a fine affirmation and intention to say, “Today I am going to be content. Today I will surrender”, but the truth is that it’s part of our human condition to struggle with being content and letting go.
Remember the billboard in the movie LA Story that had personal mystical messages only for Steve Martin? Well, several years ago, in the midst of turmoil in my mind, I was driving behind a mini-van with a bumper sticker that was like a signpost from God. It lit up just for me and I really got the right message at the exact right moment. It said, Don’t believe everything you think. That was the day a little shift happened in me that has been key in liberating myself from anxiety and depression. Those words often come whispering back to me when I think I’ve got it all figured out! Contentment is always there, we just don’t see it because of maya, or the illusions that happen in the mind. The nature of the mind is to assert itself with all-encompassing thoughts and it will create world of strife that only exist there, in the mind. It’s given me a new perspective for the phrase, “it’s all in your head”.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off”… said Gloria Steinam. I always loved this quote in it’s original context, but when applied to what goes on in my mind, it is hilarious because it is so true! I’ve noticed that whenever I am experiencing stress, tension or frustration, I can trace it back to a thought deep inside my mind that isn’t true. How do I know it isn’t true? Because it just isn’t part of reality. Whenever I come up against reality or life as it is, I struggle and suffer. Whenever I find those thoughts that sound like, “She shouldn’t do that, I wish it were different, or even – just get through this” I know I’m fighting against Satya – the truth of what is. How do I know that it should be that way? Because it is that way. How do I know that I’m meant to be experiencing this? Because I am. If I can really embrace reality, I’m finding that all of my suffering is occuring in a dream, or nightmare that is playing out in my mind. Whenever I can cut through those thoughts, realize that I’m living in my mind instead of reality, I find liberation and release. I experience strength and focus to deal with what is in front of me. It’s as if all of that negative energy morphs into constructive energy. With that release comes contentment.
My meditation practice has changed for me. It has become much more humorous! By embracing the truth of what is I can see the delusion in my thoughts and see how hilarious they are. (my kids shouldn’t fight, my husband should read my thoughts and my cat should be considerate enough not to puke on my rug) I’m finding that I can hear my Buddha self easier and get clarity faster. I’m also experiencing greater awareness during the day as my mind takes me here and there. My relationships with my family and others are more real, more connected and a bit lighter. I think as I experience random waves of joy and bliss, that I might possibly be experiencing Samadhi for a few minutes here and few more there.
Santosha can only happen with Satya, contentment comes with being honest with reality. Throw in a mix of Ishvarapranidhana, and you’ve got a beautiful day coming your way. But Ishvarapranidhana is another post. Or two, or three….
What the heck is bhakti anyway? Very simply, bhakti is the living and practicing of love and devotion. I stumbled across a beautiful explanation of bhakti and the 8 limbs on Rusty’s website. Click here for more.
I’ve never felt compelled to try drugs in the least, I find life fascinating and intense enough without recreational experimenting. Curious? Yes. Compelled? No.
For example, who needs drugs when you can attend a 6am Ana Forrest class titled, “Working with Fear”, immediately following a daylong workshop with Katie on dissolving thought patterns? I found myself extremely aware of my thoughts during Ana’s class today. Now, I have to admit, that I thought I was aware of my thoughts before Katie’s class. I might have been aware of the thoughts passing across my consciousness before, but the difference is I still used to believe them.
I’m sitting in class today, in very intense poses – very aware of my own breathing, my own aliveness. As thoughts passed by, for example, “my hip is tight today”, rather than accept it as truth I found myself ask “Is that true?” I was able to drop labels like that throughout the class and that process actually brought me into my body like I’ve never been before. I could feel the tightness/pain of the hip without associating that it was “my hip”, or that it was a true thought. As a result, I found a real struggle free practice today. I felt fully alive and fully embodied. My face and jaw were softer and I had no limitations. Just a quiet wisdom of when to exit a pose.
At one point, I noticed that Ana pointed attention at one man in front of me, Brian. She called him back onto his mat several times and I had the thought, “She really picks favorites, she just won’t leave Brian alone.” I asked myself “Is that really true?” Yes, she’s really, truly is picking on him. She wouldn’t leave him alone. I thought I was making wise observations about the universe… ha! Later in the class, Ana was doing a demo. We were all huddled in a circle and she addressed Brian and said, “this Brian, not that Brian or that Brian.” Turns out, there were three Brian’s in a row on the same side of the room. No, I really couldn’t know that thought “Ana picks favorites” is true, because it is just a thought. And knowing doesn’t come from our thoughts, it comes from a place deep inside of us where there are no words.
Now I have a new understanding of the bumper sticker that appeared in front of my years ago just when I needed it, like a sign-post from God, “Don’t believe everything you think.” I might even change is to say “Don’t believe anything you think.”
Hallelujah, I’m still alive! At the end of the month I will celebrate 36 years of life on this planet, in this fascinating body of mine. What a journey that seems to only get better with age. For my gift, I asked for a weekend “retreat” of sorts. My husband who is a yogi in his own right (I’ll save that for another post), took a day off of work and has helped me trek all over the Bay Area for a three day bliss fest.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of taking Ana Forrest’s Gravity Surfing workshop. I adore an intense practice and I appreciate Ana’s dedication to teaching. Y’all know how much I love inversions and arm balances, so gravity surfing from pose to pose for me was just like a kid in a candy store. I was able to go deep into breathing, let go and do all sorts of fun things like half-lotus handstands. (with the help of my new best friend whose mat was next to mine.) I knew I was deep in the moment when practice brought up all sorts of “aha” moments for me.
Today though, was a day of awakening for me. I drove up to Spirit Rock which is an Buddhist retreat center north of San Francisco so gorgeous it’s mind-blowing. Byron Katie held a daylong retreat there, going over The Work. I’ve been working with Tolle’s new book and have read Katie’s book, “Loving What Is”, but to be learning in person was no comparison to reading. She explained non-duality in a way that resonated so deeply for me, that I will never be the same again. There is no going back for me, I’ve exploded old thought patterns and pushed past stuck places. Even though there’s still a lot of work to do with my thoughts, I will never be the same again. I cannot get over the peaceful feeling of bliss that I feel right now and my acceptance of this moment.
I will try to post more on the specifics of Katie’s workshop when time allows. Tomorrow I’m off for a 6am class in San Francisco with Ana again before she leaves town. 6am… yea, that’s my crazy idea of fun.
I’m delighted that it’s so official. Here’s a shot of Lisa and me getting the keys from our fabulous real estate agent and fellow yogini, Sherry Nigg.
My friend met me for a bite last week after my teaching gig. She knows me so well and showed up with a gift for me: A book titled My Minivan Is A Monastery. Funny thing is, I could have written the book myself. Much to my own sadness (I really don’t know any other way around it right now), I drive way too much these days. School, teaching jobs, errands and now Livermore! I’ve come to enjoy my drives, especially this time of year when my corner of the universe is positively screaming out loud with beauty. I drive around, soaking up the green rolling hills, daffodils, pink popcorn trees, gorgeous yellow mustard weeds, and think maybe it’s worth paying the high price of living in California. I’ve discovered books online and podcasts and I’m blowing through my “reading” material. These podcasts have brought me into books and lectures I never would have been able to enjoy otherwise. I’ve learned so much in the past few months. I’m in love with modern technology.
Well here I sit tonight at midnight. I was up at 6am, took kids to school, taught a yoga class, drove to Livermore to look at the architect’s plans/get a key (YAY!), picked up from preschool, came home to a husband who had to leave work because he was so sick, pick up from elementary, help with homework, go to Safeway to get cornmeal because I promised 8 year old cornbread 3 nights ago and still haven’t made good on my word, serve dinner late (the best dinner ever, says 8 year old), clean up, keep kids out of sick hubbies room, round up one naked 3 year old who didn’t wipe after using the potty, give 2 baths, monitor 12 year old on the internet, stop 3 year old from drawing highlighter all over her feet, stop 3 year old from hiding my keys, stop 3 year old from eating some random left over cookie dough she found in the fridge (sneaky little bugger), soothe 8 year olds moodiness (Today’s the best day ever/the worst day ever, life’s not fair….), read books to kids before bed/explain why I can’t read books all night/wa-wa, watch Lost while choosing fabric samples for gorgeous custom yoga mat bags while I zone out completely, and finally……
Work on the huge task list for the Cosmic Dog Studio.
Really, what was I thinking? I know my minivan is a monastery, but c’mon, I’m running a zoo here today. I look at those sweet faces in bed and wouldn’t have it any other way. These last two hours working in the office on Cosmic Dog business have been so fun. I really love this project. I really believe in it. I believe in yoga. I believe it has something to offer everybody, even and especially us frazzled moms. I just look at the amount of time I have each day, glance over at the list that needs to be done, look at my lonely yoga mat in the corner and sigh.
My business partner Lisa has the most soothing voice. (if you’re going to have a business partner, I suggest finding one who is also a marriage-family counselor/retired air traffic controller… they really know how to manage stress!) We chat on the phone excitedly about projects and she says, “I know it doesn’t have to all be done today, family first.” I know she’s at home going through the same senario, chipping away at her own list. But through her words, I read the same message that’s going through my mind, “I really want to get it all done tonight!”
This time of night when I’m so tired that I’m punchy, all I’m left with is emotion. As I think about this new project and all that it entails and all that it means, it boils down to one intention: Love.
So I’m going to sleep with a little bit of hope in the most McCartney/Lennon sort of way, having faith that even if all of the things on my task list are still unfinished on opening day, “All ya need is love!”
