Seductive

Today I was accosted at the mall. I only hit the mall a couple of times a year. If I take the kids in July, they ask if we’re going to see Santa. But – my little one needed a second back up blankie. She loves her blankie from gymboree and I know if I get the same fabric, same style, from the same store, she’ll accept a new version. I know I said Drew needs another blankie, but we all know that’s a lie – the only way I justify spending on low-priority needs (Notice how I can’t bring myself to say wants) is to purchase them on sale. You guessed it, there is a sale at Gymboree.

Walking from my car to the Gymboree store was like walking through a land mine! Those carts full of vendors in the center of the mall are staffed with insane people. I was attacked by the cell phone guy, the skin cream girl, and hair extensions sales person. I ask you, do I look like I need hair extensions? Name one person on this planet who needs hair extensions less than I do… It was very annoying. I wanted to say, “Duh. Look at me!” I found myself avoiding eye contact and getting really annoyed when “not interested” wasn’t enough and I was battered with follow up questions! I felt so attacked and vowed not to go back to the mall until Santa comes.

Then I went out to my car and started to think about what I want to plant in the sad old yard of mine, how I can’t wait to organize my garage, which pictures to hang in the front windows at Cosmic Dog, how I really wish I could justify buying a hybrid car (no sales on those), and whether I have the guts and money to wallpaper my bathroom. Wallpaper?

Then, I heard my stream of consciousness talking. I really heard it. It was just as annoying as being accosted at the mall. Duh – will you look at me? Do I look like I need anything? Interestingly, I was fascinated by my own thoughts and really, really bought into them and attached to them. I have no desire for a cell phone, hair extensions, crocs, or skin cream. Very easy to stay non-attached when the thoughts come from outside my brain. Those thoughts inside my head? They are very seductive.

I’m watching desire in a new way. The things I think I need, think I want, which ones have that sticky quality and come back over and over. (No matter what, I continually fantasize about getting both of my knees behind my shoulders for sleeping yogi pose someday) Desire is fascinating. We are so happy when we get what we want – not because we have what we wanted or needed, but because for a brief period of time, wanting ceases. When wanting ceases, aaahhhhh – that feels good. So now I’m playing mind games with myself. Watching my desires, my needs and wants. So far, I’m seeing a direct link to my thoughts about desire and a sensation of trying to control my world. I think about having a my environment under perfect control and I start to feel a chemical reaction in my body. Immaculate closet… little vibration. Papers filed away in perfect alphabetical order, bills all paid…. bigger vibration. A car that doesn’t have cracker crumbs or scratches or dented bumpers…. now I’m really humming. What fun is this – thinking about it! I tell ya, it’s pretty sexy.