I’m on my way!

I’m on my way to class!…. finally. 9am, written in blood on my calendar, “Power Yoga…” with Allison. I looked on our trusty computer system and it was July 25th since I took a class at The Dog. Pathetic! I was on vacatioin for 11 days. I did yoga at home. I did yoga when I was in Utah. But I miss The Dog – the best teachers anywhere.

The computer also tracks how much my kids were in the daycare … too much! Clearly, it’s been all work and no play. We’re all glad to be hitting a little more structure these days. It’s like taking a big exhale.

End of an era

Did you see this today?

Yep. The heavens parted today, and the angels sang a rousing version of the Hallelujah chorus. It was our first full day of Kindergarten, for the third and last time.

Somehow, I have managed to survive 14 years of staying primarily at home with small children. They’ve all survived infancy, toddler-hood, and pre-school without broken bones, swallowing hazardous materials or getting kidnapped. To top it off,  I have not maimed or hurt any of them out of frustration. My brain did not melt into the abyss as I feared it would, and I can still speak to adults with out regressing into baby talk. It may seem like a small feat, but I am celebrating today. It really is the end of an era.

I adore little children and babies, I really do. Living with them though, is a whole other story. I bow to childcare professionals, teachers and coaches and honor their patience, structure and ability to love the unlovable moments in life. Throughout the years of parenting, I’ve learned to enjoy the difficult moments. To slow down, chill out, and embrace what is happening NOW. It took me 3 kids, but I did learn to look into their little faces during the difficult moments and see some beauty past all of that whining. I learned to laugh more and ignore a lot.

And NOW, finally – I have the opportunity to embrace this moment. This moment – the  one where I send off my happy little 5-year old, off into the big world by herself. Every day. Six and a half hours a day! I’m embracing the fact that for the first time in 14 years, I will be able to complete a thought in my head without interruption from little people. I will be able to keep my eyes on my work instead of one eyeball on that little one who’s sneaking into the kitchen cupboard, or climbing the bookcase. I can grocery shop without managing the begging, and can read labels instead of chasing and negotiating and worrying about whether or not the kids are wandering away into the arms of the friendly neighborhood child molester. Ahhh…. thank you Mrs. Legaluche, Ms. Donovan, and the many High School teachers out there for taking over that responsibility for me.

Sometimes impermanence isn’t so difficult.

All things mundane

My bank account is empty after signing up 3 kids for PUBLIC school. The Danville schools are fantabulous thanks to one word: Parents.

I’m determined to keep my life at a yoga-chill pace which is a challenge with 3 kids and 3 different school schedules, one full time job and a husband who leaves for the city at 4:30 AM. What could be better than the To-Do list tattoo? I think it’s time for me to upgrade my planner:

We’re all Kindergarten, all the time around here. Drew is SO excited, and she’s not the only one. Countering her bubbly enthusiasm for kindergarten, is Brandon’s complete lack of emotion for high school. Yep, a freshman and a kindergartener in the same year! Brandon seems to take it all in stride. He got both of his electives of choice: Japanese and robotics. Let’s not share with him that Japanese is a crazy-difficult language to learn. Acknowledging that he would have to put in effort would probably end all of the Japanese fun. I’m planning to learn to make sushi and watch Ni-Hao with Drew so I can keep up!

Do you remember the SNL sketch, “Massive head-wound Harry”? This week, Kieran fell backwards off of a slide, landing on some rocks and learned how head wounds bleed profusely! It took us only 24 hours of drama and pampering him before he would let us tease him about it. Now he enjoys his new nickname: Massive head-wound Kieran.

I’m so close to ending this 14-year stay-home mom era of my life, I can almost taste it. Two more days before I graduate into sanity. Or insanity? I can’t wait to find out.

Yesterday, I worked the front desk at The Dog and left all of the kids with Dan. After a summer of working with kids at my heels, it was like heaven. I felt like the studio is the baby I’ve had to neglect for so long. It was heavenly just to mop the floors, enter data into the computer, answer phone calls and be present. I LOVE the Cosmic Community and can’t wait to be there daily. Sans children. And no, I don’t feel guilty about that because it’s just the truth.

I suck

It’s official. I am not a cool mom. I am going to be known at the high school as the strange, Buddhist, Pacifist mom.

My boys are big gamers and are always scheming to get the latest game for the Wii or their DSI’s. Problem is, so many of the games are fight – simulated. Even the E rated games.

I try to be resonable, but at the end of the day, I just think war is insane, 90% of the time. Is somebody seriously threatening our freedom? Let’s become warriors. Is there terrible, horrific injustice or genocide going on somewhere? Warrior time. We THINK some guy is threatening America and stock-piling nukes, but we have no proof? Definitely time to chill out.

At the end of the day, I don’t want my kids pretending to shoot things, kill things or strategize for destruction for a good portion of their day. I don’t want to pass by their room, in my house, and hear “Kill him!” or “Got him!” I don’t want my 4-year old daughter exposed to that. And – even if the target of all of this is just monsters, even if there is no blood – doesn’t make it OK.

There are so many things that I am relaxed about, but as far as being a warrior goes, it’s time to defend my house. I want to raise thoughtful, mindful, loving people. I want to give my kids the skills and ability to question the status-quo, American style of pillaging and plundering and living a defensive life. If they grow up, move out, and set up every violent game on the planet in their dorm room, if they want to join the army – so be it. I can handle that. I can’t handle them leaving the house and knowing that I didn’t do what I could to teach them about loving-kindness, non-violence and looking at conflict in a new and productive way.

Until then, I’m OK being the kill-joy. Pun intended.

desire and attachment

What a fun week here in Utah with our families. My 12-year old neice Amber (AKA my new nanny) is thrilled to have her own bank account and debit card with which to do her back-to-school shopping. I chauffered her to Tar-get and Old Navy and helped her put together cute outfits. We bought a new outfit for Drew to start Kindergarten in (love the clearance racks here) and that just leaves the boys.

They say that it’s not the object of your desire that makes you happy, it’s the absense of desire that makes us happy. OK… well the interesting thing is – my boys don’t want any THING, they want to keep their attachments:

Both boys need new shoes. Kieran loves the attention and is happy to go pick out something new. Brandon (shoes above) desperately needs new shoes. Notice the worn in insides, the ripped toe, the blood stains. (don’t ask) He’s starting high school, I was figuring that he would at least be interested in some new footwear. His response? “I just got them broken in perfect.”

So, we’re either managing our desires, or breaking our attachments. Either way, it keeps me hopping.

PS – (added later) While shopping for shoes today and teasing the man-child about the blood on his shoes, he laughed. “Mommmm… that’s red paint from helping with that Eagle Scout Project.” That’s my boy, Mr. Goody Two Shoes. Yes, we did replace the shoes – and he was shyly proud that he went up a size.