Hibernation and feeling Haunted

19 Jun

Wow… I’ve be so busy (time to actually take a shower now) that I’ve been hibernating in the blogosphere. I’ve been feeling just great about my little hibernation – and the craziness that is, in itself, a bit of balance. I do miss the writing though, and I’ve learned to love my little blog. It’s a symbol of my commitment to spiritual evolution.

I’m learning about balance, time as a resource, and how important it is to stay sharply aware during periods of time that move quickly. The necessity of ishvarapranidana is so apparent to me now. There are some things that I just have to let go of. There are some things that I don’t want to let go of – like a mowed lawn and tucking my kids into bed. As the dust settles on my big project, I am realizing that this business is balance for now. If I kept every category of my life in ideal priorities all of the time, then there is no literal way I could accomplish something like opening a yoga studio. Letting part of my life slide in order to create something new, is itself part of a balanced life.

So, I’ve let this blog just chill for a while and then today, I had a conversation that chilled me – it left me feeling haunted. I was helping a woman at the studio. (a very lovely woman, who I respect and am no way dis-respecting – please be kind if you comment) She has physical issues and I was helping her pick the best classes for her. Because of her spinal issues, I recommended private yoga sessions, as they are great to learn modifications. We also spoke of Iyurveda and how that might help her relieve some of her chronic issues. It was a lovely conversation with a lovely person. Then she pulled her energy back, as if to go into a shell, and said, “now will the private yoga sessions include meditation? Because that’s something that I just won’t do.” I spoke kindly with her, and gently asked why. She said it was religious reasons (etc), and that it is dangerous to open the mind. I just listened and suggested that instead of meditating she might find some relief just watching her mind throughout the day to see where it was taking her. She gave me another look as if to say “step off”, so I let go and didn’t go into her space anymore. I think she left with some hope.

Wow. I’m feeling haunted. I don’t feel superior, or frustrated, I just have an eerie feeling settling over me, and I think it is gratitude and compassion. I feel so much compassion for this person. She’s listing off a huge list of maladies, and traumas that I know have affected her mind cycles and her body. The maladies line right up with the chakra associated with the disfunctions. She is doing her best, but I’m sure that every time she gets close to going deeper within, closer to healing, this wall comes up – a thought – it’s dangerous to open my mind. I understand how she feels, it’s a really scary world to live in from that viewpoint. To be so scared of where the mind might take us.

Maybe that’s just my own projection, but I think I was pretty in tune. The only thing I can really do today is let her walk her own journey and send her lots of love. And, in the end I have to just flip that story around to myself. What walls or thought patterns do I have that cause me to hit a wall of my own? Where am I not open?

I appreciate those gurus all around me. It’s given me a lot to meditate on.

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One Response to “Hibernation and feeling Haunted”

  1. seangreenfrog June 19, 2008 at 5:21 am #

    Sometimes seeing clearly is distinctly painful, whether one is the teacher seeing clearly the student’s situation, or whether one is the student steering away from the pain that might result from seeing her own situation more clearly. For students like that, I know that sometimes the simple practices of yoga asana and breathwork can eventually enable the experiences that, if embraced, can lead the student to the same self-discovery that the feared meditation might precipitate more rapidly.

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