work in progress

23 May

Today after my morning yoga, I sat quietly. I felt connected, centered and peaceful. I vowed to go a whole day living from this place of peace and grace. I vowed to go a whole day without getting annoyed with my children or raising my voice. I meant it from my heart. That was at 6:45 AM.

At 7:45 AM I lost it. Voice raised, me exhasperated. 7:45 AM!!! My story was great, who is using magnets to draw and scrape black marks on the refrigerator? Again? (I’ve scrubbed the fridge of this ailment before. )

I wonder how much of my meditation, while well intentioned, is just living in fiction. I’m focused on my breath and feeling that place of peace that surpaseth understanding. Then I enter the real world and get lost in my frustrations. Interesting thing is though, that it’s the real world that’s the story, the delusion and the peaceful part that is real.

I would love to be more skilled at merging the two, this real world of meditation and being able to see past my frustrations and hot buttons throughout the day.

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2 Responses to “work in progress”

  1. greenfrog May 29, 2009 at 11:21 pm #

    Remember how hard it was the first time you tried handstand? And how many times you had to repeat it and repeat it and repeat it? And more than just repeating the same practice, your shoulders got stronger, your anterior serratus got bigger, your spinal flexors grew? And how you kept discovering tiny balance adjustments in your forearms, your pelvis, your hamstrings, and all of them eventually contributed to a stronger, stabler pose?

  2. Darwin Stephenson June 5, 2009 at 7:43 am #

    I love your post as it so eloquently describes how the path to enlightenment doesn’t come from meditating in a cave for ten years. And then there are those black marks on the refrigerator…magnets, hmmm. Interesting.

    So I guess the root of the dilemma here exists with expectation. We meditate, practice yoga, focus on our breath and with this comes the expectation that we’ll be better. A better mother, a better friend, a better son, a better manager, etc. In a nutshell, we’ll be a better human being.

    And as we stroll out of yoga all composed and put back together we have the peace of mind that could carry us through little bumps in the road. In the midst of our child breaking a plate glass window we would calmly say to them, “Now dear, let’s get a broom and carefully sweep up the broken glass.”

    We would then turn to the Dalai Lama standing next to us and he would nod with approval. Yes! I’m an enlightened being. Aren’t I wonderful?

    But that expectation of better is more akin to becoming disconnected than engaging in life. We know that we could handle many of life’s situations better but we struggle to find that one thread that will connect us to becoming a better person. In our Mind, we visualize that person having handled the situation at hand better.

    Becoming conscious brings with it an awareness of our less than admirable traits. In meditation, we seek to connect to our Spirit in aspiration of being freed from our physical and mental ways. In isolation (of either our Body, Spirit or Mind), we find ourselves out of balance. Thus by investing in the union of our Body, Spirit and Mind we bring ourselves into a place of balance between the three.

    For myself, I look to these moments of less than admirable behavior and ask myself, “Would someone in balance have handled this situation differently?”

    If the answer is yes, I seek to stay away from judgment and instead think about what part of me is out of balance. Thus it isn’t that I necessarily did anything wrong (although this may be a bit delusional from time to time) but rather that the situation at hand awoke me from my slumber and brought to my attention what I need to do in order to return to a state of balance.

    By the way, I’ve listed your posting on my spirit blog.

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