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Brandon Davies and my not-so-short shorts

7 Mar

Is honor an internal or an external experience?


Smart-Asses Welcome

30 Jan

Today’s weekly post at Doves and Serpents, inspired by one amazing Sanctuary retreat at Cosmic yesterday…

Not forgotten

6 Apr

I get annoyed when I ask somebody how they are and they say, “Busy. So busy!” as if that validates their importance in the world. And now – gulp – I kind of get it.

Life is abundant, full and I am surrounded by a lot of love and things I (mostly) enjoy doing.

Let’s see. There was this little girl:

Who has grown into this:

Yes, very wolf-like! I'm loving her.

Then there’s been braces and lots of trips to the dentist:

Second place in Pinewood Derby, thanks to Grandpa Jim and the i-car:

And the fashionista (who dresses herself – notice the many layers) is now reading fluently. I love it when they read fluently – no excuses for not reading the chore chart anymore:

I cannot be responsible for things I leave undone when the weather is shining – it’s out of my control. If it’s sunshiney in March, I will be outside:

In January came Teacher Training. You learn a lot more when you teach instead of take. You also can’t flake on your homework or not show up:

The mystery of how to organically remove grubs from the vegetable garden soil in time to plant veggies. Two rounds of nematodes haven’t worked:

And lemon tree leaves that are curling:

Loads of laundry. Did I mention LOADS? Aren’t we lucky to have such – um – abundance?:

The studio, the teachers, the Karma Club, the bank deposits, mopping, typing and emails. I am forever grateful to be doing what I love:

March brought a trip to Tybee Island, Georgia to retreat with friends. More on that later – happy birthday to me!:

Not enough of this:

Or this:

And certainly, no blogging.

I’ve decided that it’s time to practice what I preach and SLOW down. Since there’s nothing left to say “No” to (I’m very good at that), and nobody left to delegate to, it means some things will not get done. I’m OK with that, I think. I hope you are too!

on craziness

10 Oct

self: “Isn’t it great that you’ve had fabulous home practice all week? You’ve enjoyed it and – hee hee – you haven’t even done abs once this week!”

Buddha Mind: (with a big grin) Yeahhhh…….

I suck

17 Aug

It’s official. I am not a cool mom. I am going to be known at the high school as the strange, Buddhist, Pacifist mom.

My boys are big gamers and are always scheming to get the latest game for the Wii or their DSI’s. Problem is, so many of the games are fight – simulated. Even the E rated games.

I try to be resonable, but at the end of the day, I just think war is insane, 90% of the time. Is somebody seriously threatening our freedom? Let’s become warriors. Is there terrible, horrific injustice or genocide going on somewhere? Warrior time. We THINK some guy is threatening America and stock-piling nukes, but we have no proof? Definitely time to chill out.

At the end of the day, I don’t want my kids pretending to shoot things, kill things or strategize for destruction for a good portion of their day. I don’t want to pass by their room, in my house, and hear “Kill him!” or “Got him!” I don’t want my 4-year old daughter exposed to that. And – even if the target of all of this is just monsters, even if there is no blood – doesn’t make it OK.

There are so many things that I am relaxed about, but as far as being a warrior goes, it’s time to defend my house. I want to raise thoughtful, mindful, loving people. I want to give my kids the skills and ability to question the status-quo, American style of pillaging and plundering and living a defensive life. If they grow up, move out, and set up every violent game on the planet in their dorm room, if they want to join the army – so be it. I can handle that. I can’t handle them leaving the house and knowing that I didn’t do what I could to teach them about loving-kindness, non-violence and looking at conflict in a new and productive way.

Until then, I’m OK being the kill-joy. Pun intended.


20 Jul

I don’t know why this makes me laugh…

Me: What should we have for dinner?

Kieran: Something healthy.

Drew: Olives!!! I want olives for dinner. Wait… I want bacon. Bacon for dinner.

Reminds me of last week when Drew went to Trader Joe’s with me and insisted on carrying the bacon home with her cradled in her arms like a baby. It’s the only meat she’ll eat and she asks for it all of the time. We don’t make it often, so it’s a huge treat. I think she’d rather have bacon than chocolate. Is she really my child?


A few weeks ago, my body was craving meat. I started eating better and my body still craved meat, my BODY was asking for it. So, a little bit of chicken here and there has made my body much happier for now. It’s interesting to try to listen to intuition and just honor what my body asks for without morality judgments. It definitely feels good to not have to worry SO much about what to serve for dinner to please everybody.

Something healthy with olives. And a small side of bacon for the princess.

dogma shopping

25 Apr

Why am I constantly surprised when I find the words for things I can’t find words for? So what if I wasn’t the one to use them first..

My beliefs have radically changed over the last several years. As a result, things have become more clear and I am less attached to my beliefs. When my old paradigm dissolved, it went with a big fight. I was really convinced that the belief structure I was clinging to was absolute truth. I had a long list of reasons why. I was still open-minded, but there were certain core beliefs that were Dogma for me: doctrine set in stone. Any new information I was considering would only be accepted if it fit into that given construct of what I already viewed as True. (And why I couldn’t for the life of me fully grasp, The Power of Now the first time I read it!)

Thankfully for me, I hit a huge, massive depression. It was either drive off of the freeway and leave this earth quietly (which seemed like a refreshing thought at the time), or try anything and everything to survive and scramble some semblance of happiness together. I looked at my little boys and I knew I wanted to figure it out. For me, healing started with physical yoga and opening my mind to try ANYTHING that might help. I was in desperation and I knew it. I tried aura readings, meditation, counseling, medication. Piece by piece I was able to glean little things here and there that helped. What I discovered was that my past spiritual framework provided me with very little REAL knowledge on the subject of happiness, what it was, where it came from, and how to live in it’s abundance. I had no clue before hand, what the architecture of the Spirit, or the Mind were. I started to wake up to things that were right in front of me that I never saw before. I couldn’t get enough yoga and buddhist philosophy. I still can’t. Not because it’s superior, not because I feel that it’s truth with a capital T, but because I see so clearly that much of it is helpful, and much of it matches up with reality. I have found that by living what Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Your own life is the instrument for which we experiment with the truth”, that I’m waking up more every day as I work honestly through these teachings.

Now that I’m well versed and practiced in this yoga world of mine, and I feel very little suffering in comparison to years past – I’ve been wondering… Have I become a DOGMA SHOPPER? You know, switching one paradigm out for another, hanging on to my new beliefs and dogma so tightly that I can’t see the clarity around me? I’ve decided that I’m hugely relieved to be asking myself that question. 

A while back, when having lunch with a friend who shared my old belief system and had really helped me back during my dark depression days, she was asking about my shift and I was able to share with her how happy I am now. Her response was “I’m sorry”. She was so upset that I had left behind what she saw as true, that she couldn’t see happiness right in front of her.  It’s true, we need some structure of belief in order to function. We need a helpful viewpoint of the world in order TO function in peace and happiness. Having said that, I don’t want to end up living in a kooky world of magical thinking, replacing one set of self-soothing man-made beliefs for another, but still having no proximity to deeper awareness. I do not want to spin my wheels in quicksand.

It seems to me that the key to functioning healthfully within the given belief structure, is to just hold on softly and gently. To hold those beliefs in your hand and keep looking at them from every angle. Work them. Feel them –  but never feel that they are yours to hold on to for dear life. Only hold on to what works and what is simple and clear right out in the open. Dogma seems to be the death of personal enlightenment and to be a little selfish here, I don’t think I can go on living without those a-ha moments. Those times when we discover truths so obvious, so simple that they are hiding right out in the open, under our noses. A-HA… click, got it! 

No, I don’t want to just be a dogma shopper, simply replacing one set of beliefs for a new-improved version. I want to experience more clarity. Not because I want Truth, but because I want peace. I want happiness. 

In true yoga fashion, things are working in synchronicity. I found myself listening to Adyashanti again tonight, and of course – he is speaking much more eloquently, the exact ramblings of my mind.